Friday, December 24, 2004

i'm dreaming

So, this is the Northern hemisphere proper. Like, snow and stuff. and more food than a small Ediopean army could get through in a year. turducken. Who in their right mind would eat turducken? It ranks along with Eat Me dates in that Grumpy Old Man list of things that people only ever have at Xmas and really don't actually want but what the hell, it's 'tradition'.
the tempation to drift into Bah Humbugness is close, but i'm fighting it.
So anyways, reasons I miss being in Oz:
1. It's warm there.
2. Mangoes.
3. All my friends!! *sniff*
4. a job i like
5. proximity to things other than trees and snow. living in a forest is totally overrated.
and reasons it's good to be back:
1. i don't get locked out if i forget my keys when i take a shower.
2. i don't have to put all my food in a bag with my name on it. and still find that some fucker has made off with my precious supply of import marmite
3. it actually feels like it should be Christmas soon
4. Branston pickle. oh yeah.
5. my friend! unexpectedly, there are still some kicking around.
6. family! that may get old soon, but they're like, kinda cool. even my dad's dubious looking facial hair is entertaining.

well, on balance then, it's good to be back.
good festivities, people

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Ever come out of a movie and actually feel like you have experienced something a bit more than some passive brainless amusement? Usually I slate Julia Roberts. With that brief and rather exciting blip in Erin Brockovich, her main part to date has been herself. From the 'i'm a bigshot Hollywood actress' in Notting Hill right through to playing Julia Roberts in Ocean's Twelve, she has barely strayed from her indulgent typecast. You can hardly call it acting really. And it's all the more gutting when you realise that she is a bigshot Hollywood actress because she actually has some little-used talent. But then I just saw Closer. And my god it's good. I want to BE Patrick Marber right now because for once there is a movie in the cinema that isn't a remake of an old movie or a second installment and you know what? It's fucking genius. Nothing particularly special about the effects, the plot is relatively straightforward and the two things that make it absolutely stellar are the writing (fastpaced, witty, realistic) and the acting (inspired, genuine, nonHollywood). Should be on the Oscar list. Dunno what for, because none of the cast are more leading than the others, they're all great, even Jude Law. And I hate Jude Law, he makes my skin crawl. Nothing against his acting, it's personal and petty, but still. This could be my favourite movie of 2004.

Friday, December 17, 2004

because I can

and why wouldnt you?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Black Betty Blue

What is it about guys and playfighting with chicks half their size? I mean jeez, the second they get wind of the idea that I am into kickboxing we're squaring off. I think it's their way of getting out some sexual tension or something. So true - fighting makes me all kinds of hot. My problem is that I can fight but I can't box for shit. And I also don't know when I'm beat. So today, Betty is blacknblue and so fucking sore.
But hey - I heard that there is a direct correlation between how many bruises you have and how much fun you're having. Fuck I must be having a lot of fun. Biggest bruise I have ever had in my life on my left bicep, a wee rainbow all across my ribs, three big ones on my left thigh and two scuba injuries on my right thigh. Plus a number of UDIs.

The abused look is really going to go down a treat when I get home. Which, incidentally, is now in only 5 days!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

10 Uses for a Year's Supply of Cheesecake

Hmm.. it's a tough one, Knifey. There are only so many things cheesecake is good for. And how do they judge what a year's supply involves? I mean, is that like a slice a day, one whole cake a week or what? If you entered a competition where that was the prize, can they not assume that you REALLY REALLY love cheesecake and could get through an assload of it?
Anyways, here are my suggestions.

1. How to win friends and influence people?
2. Start a mouse extermination company.
3. Sell it to men with receding hairlines as The New Cure
4. Sell it to men with small penises as The New Cure.
Y'know, Chocolate Cheesecake - Make You Strong.

fuck, I am struggling - help me out here, people!

Anyway, there is so much more than just cheesecake

Oh fuck it all, this is blatantly a case of blogstipation
What should I name my mermaid?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Cheesecake Factory

It's an institution not to be missed, so I am told. I was never expecting somewhere with such a cheesy (no pun) name to be so packed, with such fantastic views of the city and above all, such good food. Cute waitstaff too.
So, it was Santa Fe salad, a good ol' American burger, raspberry daiquiris (predictable, but hell, simple pleasures should be repeated at every available opportunity) and then cheesecake.
And believe it, you have never tried cheesecake until you have been here. I didn't even know they made cheesecake in as many varieties as this. I held out on the chocolate raspberry, lingered over the snickers option and eventually went for the provocatively tart key lime.
One of those places that makes you all jiddery when your waitress walks by, and not just because of the length of her skirt.

Monday, December 13, 2004

have you been good this Christmas??

because every bad girl deserves toys this year. and to make sure, I played elf and treated my friends at the coolest shop in San Francisco, but y'know, while I was in Santa's toy factory I earned myself a Xmas bonus. Haven't been allowed to play with it yet because everyone knows you can't open your presents early, but MY GOD it was fun in the shop!
ooh, getting all excited. Can't you just see me in a cute little fur trimmed outfit, putting treats in your stocking?
yeah baby...
9 days til home
13 days til i can play...

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Sittin on the Dock of the Bay

I'm going to paint you a picture:
Yesterday I was eating freshly picked Dungeness crab on warm sourdough, humming Otis Redding and throwing crumbs to fat, vicious looking seagulls that wheeled out over the bay to Alcatraz. I was feeling satisfied in the wintery brightness that is the northern hemisphere in December. And having just spent $80 US on sex toys. Some small children rode past on a tram singing Christmas carols and reminding me of my lost innocence. It seemed like one of those cinematic moments where my musical self would have burst into song and been joined in a coincidentally choreographed dance by the WHOLE WORLD. But that didnt happen, so instead I carried on the spending spree by finding the biggest chocolate fudge sundae ever ever.
La vita e bella, non?

independent women

Crashing on from my rant in Nadstown over boys buying their girls undies, i just thought I would bring this abomination to your attention.
The Boyfriend Arm Pillow.
Why not just stamp I'm Desperate and Not Whole Without a Man to Make Me Credible on your forehead?! I ask you...

Saturday, December 11, 2004


And no, i'm not talking slating a wellknown Aussie band.
This is why i've been offblog for a while. I was on a small island where it is not only legal, it's encouraged to stand at the end of the airport runway when the planes come in to land and scream as the backdraft hits you and you are so convinced that this time the pilot has fucked it up and you are definitely going to die in 2 seconds time.
Extreme Sports in Rarotonga.

Friday, December 03, 2004

getting wrecked

So yesterday I went to this cargo ship, got into a few people's cabins, looked through their suitcases and stuff and decided there was nothing worth taking. Then i jumped around on a few cars, honked the horn of some big lorry and drew my name in big letters on the side. Then i went on to the top of the ship and stepped straight off the edge. Didn't fall. Bizarre.
Wreck diving - easily the most fun you can have 25 metres underwater. Coral? Who needs coral? I got me a new pair of thongs!

Incidentally, the horn was the low part. Funnily enough, it didnt make much noise. And most of the dive was like some creepy nightmare - dark, low visibility because of silt that reflected the beam of my torch, and masses of vertigo and claustrophobia. But hey. Am way over Finding Nemo. I wanna find the Titanic!